Oh hi. Yeah, how you doing? Oh good, good. Yeah I’m fine. Just racking my brain as to what to do this weekend- there just seems to be absolutely nothing on? Thinking about tending to my venus fly trap. Maybe start filing my Golden Girls box set in order from the episodes Betty White features the most in through to Bea Arthur. Might grab a vintage red, sit out on the back patio one eve and just listen to nature, y’know? Appreciate the little things for once. Take it slow. Actually, I could put together some cheeses and invite a friend round, discuss the coming election and the like…….hey, what are you up to? Any plans? Because you’re more than welc………….Oh.

You’re……… going to Splendour.

 Fuck you.

Well any who, just for you, here’s beard of the week a day early. Meet Francis. I’m a big fan of Francis. Well, from the bits of conversation I can piece together (which are more than often blurred by my drunken and disorderly behaviour-pretty classy like that) I’ve come to the conclusion that I am a big fan. What angelic tendrils of bearded curls he has! And I mean we share the same birthday. ‘Nuff said. Absolute genius. 

Which bearded character do you aspire to the most?
Gandalf: That guy can do things with a staff that would blow your mind. More like ‘YOU SHALL NOT ASS’.

What is your grooming routine?
I usually just trim with a set of garden shears. If I cut myself I just pour some whiskey on it while I bask in my immense masculinity.

Do you find that the beard helps with the ladies/gents?
I have a sneaking suspicion when my girlfriend says ‘I love you’, she’s talking to the beard.

Other than beard-related activities, what else do you do in your spare time?
Ride around on the 86.. So Hungover..

Favourite beard inspired tune of all time?
Anything by Joaquin Phoenix.

If you had a sidekick, what would be their title?
‘Bumfluff Boy’ or ‘Peachfuzz Pete’

Thoughts on bearded ladies….
Third favourite circus freak after the accordian playing monkey and the fat guy who gets hit by a cannonball.

Colonel Sanders or the whole of ZZ top?
Colonel Sanders. But mix in a bit of Dave Grohl circa 1992 and just a hint of Tom Hanks in ‘Castaway’.

WIIIIIIIILLLLLSSSOOOOOOOON!!

Have you ever submitted a photo to http://dudeswithbeardseatingcupcakes.tumblr.com/?
Against all odds I’ve never been photographed eating a cupcake, Despite eating the better part of a dozen in front of Ian Knight not two weeks ago.

Would you? Could you?
I’ll do anything once. Twice if you pay me.